on these pages

you know something,
This journal has become a great thing for me.
These entries are precious to me.
They are my work, my creation,
and this is my life on these pages.

this is the why, on these pages
this is the question and the answer
this is the reason, on these pages
this is the truth and the reality
this is the story, on these pages
this is the memory and the recollection
this is the time, on these pages
this is the beginning and the end
this is my life, on these pages
this is everything I have

bored again

Here I go again, another journal entry.  I wonder if I will publish this one?  I don't have much to write about, but it has been a l;onf time since I last wrote.  I guess I'll just bore you with my weekley events.  Hmm, good song, I like this one.  Once again I managed to slip back into a hole, and I only recently got out of it, well actually my head is just breaking the surface.  It was bad, of course it has been bad before, but thats the thing, its always a little different, and always hurts in a new way.  However, I think I have found the steps to avoid it happening again.
#1- Stay away from alcohol- should be a no-brainer
#2- Don't skip doses of meds- also should be a no-brainer
#3- suck it up and push through it- happy to say I pulled this one off.
Its just not worth it to give in, it just makes me feel worse in the end.  Stop drinking you fucking moron, take your meds, everyday, no matter what, and grow a pair of nuts and suck it up.  Thats what I take away from the last week, may i never forget it.  At least I survived right?  Small victory there, but I have really messed up lately, I have alot of work to do.
Gotta stay strong,
push through it,
you can do it neil,
one day at a time,
relax,
breathe,
your gonna be ok,
stop thinking so much,
your gonna be ok,
i feel better
This is what goes through my mind, yes I talk to myself; don't care if that makes me nuts, it helps.  Definatly going to publish this, some good stuff here.  Back to work

live

Have you ever asked yourself?
What do I live for?

live for the sun
live for the rain
live for the beauty
live for the pain
live for the people that helped you stand
live for the pen thats in your hand
live for the music
live for the rhyme
live for your family
live for the good times
live for the mystery
live for the fear
live for the weekend
and sometimes live for beer
live for tomorrow
live for today
live for the moments that take your breathe away

if you can't find a reason to live
you are not looking hard enough
live to be alive

forgiveness

Forgiveness

now you know
and you've been told
how i feel
and what I hold
inside of me
for all these years
you broke my heart
and brought my tears
thousands fell
i wiped them away
put on a happy face
and didn't say
the truth that is
that i'm not ok
some wounds don't heal
there is no easy way
to let this go
though i will try
to make a life
with you by my side

apologize
if you can
despite it all
i know you can be a good man

lets move on from this
start over new
take this gift
i forgive you

forever

some relationships can not be saved
some storms can not be braved
some words can not be unsaid
sometimes the spark is forever dead

sometimes the truth is not what you see
sometimes you don't realize that it can not be
the bridges are burned the connection is severed
go live your life away from me,
forever

special

I step outside, and the cool autumn wind bites into my bare arms, raising goosebumps.  As I walk I think to myself, "I wish I had a notebook, or anything to write on, because my best thoughts usually come to me when I am doing literally nothing.  For example, walking around the mall with no destination.  But who can walk around in public with their nose in a notebook, scribbling away; without being labeled as a total freak.  So maybe its for the best.  I do my best to remember these thoughts though.  I recite them in my head, over and over.  I reach the van, as soon as I'm in I grab paper and pen and the words begin to flow.  Before I know it, the paper is three quarters full.  Amazing, Isn't it?  Lets face it, life is boring!  Usually nothing interesting happens, and it is comical how you can almost predict the average day.  We sit there waiting for anything of importance to occur, and jump on the slightest anomaly.  But in words, life becomes something more.  There is beauty, sadness, excitement, fear, more than just anxiety and boredom.  This is how I feel.  This is my story.  What is yours?

Last weekend I feel like a broke ground with some one very important.  They know who they are.  We sat in a Dennys at 9:00 pm, and bared our souls.  I have always felt that I was closer to them than almost anyone.  I found that was truer than I thought.    Before that night, we had always kind of kept things at a short distance.  It is more comfortable that way you see.  But finally we layed our cards on the table, and I'm glad.  Just a pair of lost souls, searching for the answers.  Is this you too? If so, join us lol.  Life is nothing without the people around us.  What do we live for if not our fellow man?  Never take a single person, relationship, or moment for granted, each one is special.
...

thank you

I know alot of people have been worried about me.  No, I won't say who ever cares, because I know and believe that some people do care.  Thats a big change for me.

I am ok.  Things are not easy, I don't things will ever be easy again.  I am ok though.  I am getting by just fine.  I want to say thank you to all the people who have been there for me over the last week.  I can not express how good it feels to have people in my corner.

Some how I think things will be ok, I keep telling myself, "one day at a time", and thats how I am going to continue to take things.  I will update again soon, if you are ever worried about me, or need someone to talk to, I am always here.  Thank you
....

questions

Have you been following this journal?  Have you checked regularly for the latest update?  How would you feel if the entries just stopped?  How would you feel if it just ended, if I just ended?  Think hard about it.  Write down you answer.  Keep writing; don't worry if it is good or bad.  Just write from your heart, you may surprise yourself.  Read your own words, make changes, keep going. 

Do you feel it?
The desire to make your thoughts known,
To know that you are not alone,

The feeling that strikes you when you share,
the excitement that you took the dare,
The worry that you will be judged,
or that your words will be stained or smudged,
The elation that seems to life you up,
when half empty seems the cup,
Try this once and you may find,
that finally at rest is you mind.
...

hmm

Its funny how these strange urges to write come about.  I will just be sitting there doing what ever, then inspiration strikes like a bolt of lightning.  I grab whatever writing utensil and piece of paper I can find.  The words just pour out of me, as easy and satisfying as breathing.
Yesterday was bad.  Worse than bad, rock bottom.  Now that I think about it, yesterday was also good, (funny how that happens.)  The best part about the bottom, you can only go up.  So here i am, going up.  I am very lucky.  On the edge of the cliff I was perched, ready to swan dive into nothingness.  Hands, lots of hands, they pulled me back.  I am very lucky.
I don't know why it happened, and that is frustrating.  I don't know why I went off like that, probably just lots of anger and sadness bursting from me like a super nova.  I am sorry for anyone that was caught in the blast.  You know what they say about super novas though, thats is how new stars are formed; the universe's way of starting over.  Kind of like me.  Hopefully things will be peaceful for awhile; until next time.  I think I will be ok, but I have been wrong about that before...

yikes

So here I am, scribbling once again on some random piece of paper.  It's been a hell of a week, but not for any particular reason.  Anyone who saw me this week would have thought nothing was out of the ordinary.  The truth is, I barely made it.  Its funny, you can never know how someone is reallt doing if they don't want you to.  When you say to someone, "how are you", do you really want the truth?  Or the expected "Oh, I'm fine." 

Anyway, basically since Zoe left everything has just sucked, I mean plain old sucked.  I will spare you the gory details.  However it is a good sign that I am finally writing this all down.  Last night was kind of a turning point.  For whatever reason, and just for a moment, I felt so much better!  The feeling went as quickly as it came, (today I am still struggling,)  but I smiled for the first time in days.  It was an incredable feeling.  You can not fully appreciate the feeling of a simple smile until you have gone several days without it. 

This week has felt as long as a year; let's see how next week goes.  Sorry for taking so long to write again.  Count the last two weeks as a step backward, and the last five minutes as a small step forward....

sigh*

I don’t know what to say. All I know is I want to say something. I need to say something.

The last week has been bad, really bad; stress and a lot of it. It feels like an acid breaking down everything I have built over the last month. I have lost the good feelings. The desire to do the right thing, to be the best I can be, to really live, it is gone now. It is a fight, the greatest struggle. I try to take it one day at a time, but I can’t help thinking about the future. I don’t see a future, not for me. 

            I need help. I am so frustrated, so tired, so sick. I need help; anything, anybody, something to pick me up again.  I miss those good feelings so much. I get ghosts of them from other people; people who are special to me, or just the random person who happens to be nice to me. It helps a little. 

            I don’t know what to do. I am lost again. I am trying to keep going, but bad thoughts are plaguing my head. Fighting them off is so hard! I can’t do it alone. This is my SOS, my cry for help. That’s why I started this, for moments like this, when I feel like I am drowning. Hopefully, someone out there has a life ring. 

            I could do it you know… It would be easy, I know I could do it.

No bull shit. I am a mess, and I need someone.  

Can it be you please?....

intw part 2

It’s like I said a few nights ago. I feel it. I feel every emotion. The pain, the loss, it is ripping my heart out. I need my vice; writing. I am sitting outside a strip mall, at work, where does not matter. I just put down the book. The first time it became too much, I took a break, drove a circle around the strip, and came back to it. This time that isn’t enough! Nothing to write on but a map of my route for work today, but it is enough. I already feel a little better. I know that I will have to pick the book up again soon, and my pain will start all over, but I have to do it. I need a minute…

            Hannah, Clay, Brent, Bree, Jacob.

            I’m ready. Let’s see how much I can take this time.

            Pretty good, somehow, it is a little easier. Maybe it is because the story is winding down, and all the secrets are coming out. Maybe I am just going numb; my mind’s way of protecting itself. Maybe I am going nuts. Maybe I will be the one leaving a suicide note next, (just kidding, really.) Music just stopped. I restart the playlist. I pick the book up. Wait, I drive another lap, sip my coffee, and now I pick the book up.

            Damn it. I am running out of room on my piece of paper.

            What else could be left? What is next? Can’t stop!

            So now I have moved on to writing on a flyer; kind of pathetic, right? I remember not wanting the story to end. Now, it cannot end quickly enough. It feels like there is a knife in my chest, and every sentence I read twists the blade. Where are you right now? What were you doing while I sit here, suffering, and yet reveling in the pureness of the ache! August 27^th, 2010, 9:18 a.m. What were you doing? I sip my coffee, and start again.

            The knife is no longer twisting; it is being pulled out, and jabbed in again, and again; over, and over. No more, can’t do it. My hands are shaking; half coffee, half anxiety. Phone rings. The name that comes up, it is an amazing sight. My voice breaks when I answer. This person has the most perfect timing ever! You know who you are. 

            So that’s what is next…

            Time to stop for now; back to work or anything to get my mind off of this. Time to go.

            No where to go; can’t stop. Just babble on about anything! Keep your mind busy! Harder to do than it sounds. Coffee buzz is making me shake; or is it something else? God! I swear I’m losing my mind! I dump out my coffee. I grip the steering wheel so hard; my knuckles turn white. The song changes. Wait! Someone is coming! Thank god, they are here!
....

i need to write

I need to write.

I have way too much built up inside me right now.  I know how lame that sounds, but there is no better way to describe it.  This always happens to me.  I love to read so much, but it is a double-edged sword.  I feel the story so strongly, so passionately.  It is like the characters are real people to me, and more than that; it is like they are my family, my best friends.  Every time, I hope and pray for a happy ending for them, and when it doesn’t seem like that happy ending is possible, I feel such crippling despair.  As much as the emotion hurts, it is like a drug for me.  I embrace the pain, the sadness; I make it my own, and it makes me feel so alive!  I need to be so careful though.  I can only take so much.  It is like a pool filling, and I am chained to the bottom as I read.  I need to stop once and awhile to let the water drain out before I drown in my pain.  It is like a drug that I can only take so much of, or it will kill me!  I feel like I am walking a tight rope and a stiff breeze is blowing.  In the breeze I hear names, Hannah, Clay, Brent, Jacob, Bree, Alice.  This helps though.  The release is exhilarating.  It is like pulling the drain plug on my pool, letting the water drain out.  I love this, and yet I am looking forward to the next hit from my drug.  Soon, the book will end, and my supply will run out.  Where do I go from there?  What will be my next fix?  Panic and excitement are filling me.  My heart races!  The end is coming.... 

jumping in

So for those of you who care, who are asking yourself why, here it is.  Thinking is a tricky thing.  What do I mean?  Thoughts need somewhere to go.  Mine have gone too long bouncing around in my head.  Time to release them.  This is my device.  You may like it, you may not.  Which doesn't matter to me anymore; time to jump in.  Leave comments if you wish, or don't.  Want to be friends?  Here I am....