on these pages

you know something,
This journal has become a great thing for me.
These entries are precious to me.
They are my work, my creation,
and this is my life on these pages.

this is the why, on these pages
this is the question and the answer
this is the reason, on these pages
this is the truth and the reality
this is the story, on these pages
this is the memory and the recollection
this is the time, on these pages
this is the beginning and the end
this is my life, on these pages
this is everything I have

bored again

Here I go again, another journal entry.  I wonder if I will publish this one?  I don't have much to write about, but it has been a l;onf time since I last wrote.  I guess I'll just bore you with my weekley events.  Hmm, good song, I like this one.  Once again I managed to slip back into a hole, and I only recently got out of it, well actually my head is just breaking the surface.  It was bad, of course it has been bad before, but thats the thing, its always a little different, and always hurts in a new way.  However, I think I have found the steps to avoid it happening again.
#1- Stay away from alcohol- should be a no-brainer
#2- Don't skip doses of meds- also should be a no-brainer
#3- suck it up and push through it- happy to say I pulled this one off.
Its just not worth it to give in, it just makes me feel worse in the end.  Stop drinking you fucking moron, take your meds, everyday, no matter what, and grow a pair of nuts and suck it up.  Thats what I take away from the last week, may i never forget it.  At least I survived right?  Small victory there, but I have really messed up lately, I have alot of work to do.
Gotta stay strong,
push through it,
you can do it neil,
one day at a time,
relax,
breathe,
your gonna be ok,
stop thinking so much,
your gonna be ok,
i feel better
This is what goes through my mind, yes I talk to myself; don't care if that makes me nuts, it helps.  Definatly going to publish this, some good stuff here.  Back to work

live

Have you ever asked yourself?
What do I live for?

live for the sun
live for the rain
live for the beauty
live for the pain
live for the people that helped you stand
live for the pen thats in your hand
live for the music
live for the rhyme
live for your family
live for the good times
live for the mystery
live for the fear
live for the weekend
and sometimes live for beer
live for tomorrow
live for today
live for the moments that take your breathe away

if you can't find a reason to live
you are not looking hard enough
live to be alive

forgiveness

Forgiveness

now you know
and you've been told
how i feel
and what I hold
inside of me
for all these years
you broke my heart
and brought my tears
thousands fell
i wiped them away
put on a happy face
and didn't say
the truth that is
that i'm not ok
some wounds don't heal
there is no easy way
to let this go
though i will try
to make a life
with you by my side

apologize
if you can
despite it all
i know you can be a good man

lets move on from this
start over new
take this gift
i forgive you

forever

some relationships can not be saved
some storms can not be braved
some words can not be unsaid
sometimes the spark is forever dead

sometimes the truth is not what you see
sometimes you don't realize that it can not be
the bridges are burned the connection is severed
go live your life away from me,
forever

special

I step outside, and the cool autumn wind bites into my bare arms, raising goosebumps.  As I walk I think to myself, "I wish I had a notebook, or anything to write on, because my best thoughts usually come to me when I am doing literally nothing.  For example, walking around the mall with no destination.  But who can walk around in public with their nose in a notebook, scribbling away; without being labeled as a total freak.  So maybe its for the best.  I do my best to remember these thoughts though.  I recite them in my head, over and over.  I reach the van, as soon as I'm in I grab paper and pen and the words begin to flow.  Before I know it, the paper is three quarters full.  Amazing, Isn't it?  Lets face it, life is boring!  Usually nothing interesting happens, and it is comical how you can almost predict the average day.  We sit there waiting for anything of importance to occur, and jump on the slightest anomaly.  But in words, life becomes something more.  There is beauty, sadness, excitement, fear, more than just anxiety and boredom.  This is how I feel.  This is my story.  What is yours?

Last weekend I feel like a broke ground with some one very important.  They know who they are.  We sat in a Dennys at 9:00 pm, and bared our souls.  I have always felt that I was closer to them than almost anyone.  I found that was truer than I thought.    Before that night, we had always kind of kept things at a short distance.  It is more comfortable that way you see.  But finally we layed our cards on the table, and I'm glad.  Just a pair of lost souls, searching for the answers.  Is this you too? If so, join us lol.  Life is nothing without the people around us.  What do we live for if not our fellow man?  Never take a single person, relationship, or moment for granted, each one is special.
...

thank you

I know alot of people have been worried about me.  No, I won't say who ever cares, because I know and believe that some people do care.  Thats a big change for me.

I am ok.  Things are not easy, I don't things will ever be easy again.  I am ok though.  I am getting by just fine.  I want to say thank you to all the people who have been there for me over the last week.  I can not express how good it feels to have people in my corner.

Some how I think things will be ok, I keep telling myself, "one day at a time", and thats how I am going to continue to take things.  I will update again soon, if you are ever worried about me, or need someone to talk to, I am always here.  Thank you
....